.comment-link {margin-left:.6em;}

The Usual Friday Crud

Atom feed

Wednesday, 30 November 2005

ASDA Shopping!!!

Tired of constantly being broke, and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife (with himself as the beneficiary), and arranging to have her killed.

A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious, underworld figure, who went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was 5,000 quid.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid SOMETHING up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the quid as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local ASDA supermarket . There, he surprised her in the produce department, and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath, and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene.

Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.

And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared:

(It's a beauty)

(It's a beauty honest)





"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A POUND AT ASDA."

Makeover

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked .
"Is my time up?"
God said . "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live"
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded .
"I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the ambulance?"
God replied, "I didn't recognize you."

Tuesday, 29 November 2005

Some times things can be overcomercialized...

But Hoops & Yoyo are tool cool!

www.hoopsandyoyo.com

Dribble and drool movie of the Summer...

Aeon Flux (2005)

Watch for the Kiwi (Marton Csokas) with number two billing!

Engineering for Non-Engineers

Simple harmonic motion is typified by the motion of a mass on a spring when it is subject to the linear elastic restoring force given by Hooke's Law.
The motion is sinusoidal in time and demonstrates a single resonant frequency. (Simple Harmonic Motion Equations)

The motion equation for simple harmonic motion contains a complete description of the motion, and other parameters of the motion can be calculated from it.
The velocity and acceleration are given by:

The total energy for an undamped oscillator is the sum of its kinetic energy and potential energy which is constant at:




Or, simply illustrated graphically..


A blog to compete with...

Cheeks n Paste n Digby's ramblings!

Monday, 28 November 2005

The Security of Tin Foil Hats

This almost belongs on my serios blog, but then you start reading...

Afterall, everyone knows that you use tinfoil hats to stop Big Brother from warping your mind....

Schneier on Security: The Security of Tin Foil Hats

[BTW: Bruce Schneier is one of the worlds top Security experts]

Truck Art Contest







Friday, 25 November 2005

42 Below keeps up it's viral advertising...

42 Below Call Centre

I think they ripped it from this one.

And there's more here, this guy lays down a challenge, here, StarWars Numa...

Somwhere is the original...

Thursday, 24 November 2005

A book review that gets out of hand

While the book is probably very good, it's the comments below the sample chapter that are the real gems. There's two wildly different trains of thought, one or the other of which should keep most of you guys amused.

Thought A: The Grammer Nazi's.
Thought B: Why is there a picture of someone with their hands in their crotch?

Slashdot | Book Excerpt: The Art of Project Management

Wednesday, 23 November 2005

IT get low pay rises

Tell me something I don't know ...

SlashDot

Car that makes it's own fuel!

SlashDot

Monday, 21 November 2005

Environmentally friendly joke...

A friend of mine opened a shop just a couple of weeks ago specializing in Bonsai trees.

The business is doing so well he's already thinking of moving to smaller premises.

Friday, 18 November 2005

A classic case of Engrish

From the Atheistic East - Gizmodo

New Lemur Species Named After John Cleese

Slashdot | New Lemur Species Named After John Cleese

Reminds me, I must look up how much his show tickets are...

Self focusing camera

OK, it doesn't sound radical, but it is! If you (or the camera) get the focus wrong in a shot, it can adjust the focus later, after the image has been stored!

Now even our HR staff will be able to take focused photos...

New Scientist Technology - Shoot a picture first, focus later

Salmon flavoured soda!

Salmon Soda

Ick!

OK, so I'm not going to complain to much about our Public Health System...

Ants eat away woman's eye in hospital

Music on a [USB] Stick!

Barenaked Ladies release album on USB stick

The 128MB USB stick includes previously released material, including videos.

Granny Gamer!

Compfused.com - Granny Gamer [Quicktime]

[Boy she's got a fowl mouth!]

Reality TV goes into outer space!

Space Cadets hoax out of this world

Tools for working on your Corvette

  • DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted airplane part you were drying.
  • WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."
  • ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
  • PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
  • HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
  • VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else ! is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
  • OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
  • WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
  • HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
  • EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.
  • TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
  • PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
  • SNAP-ON GASKET SC! RAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog**** off your boot.
  • E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.
  • TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.
  • CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
  • AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
  • TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Batt! le of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
  • PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
  • AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last over tightened 50 years ago by someone at Ford, and neatly rounds off their heads.
  • PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
  • HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.
  • HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
  • MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
  • DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage While yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need.
  • EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.

Google Introduces Google Middle Earth

It's just a shame that this is a joke.

The comment a the end is all too true.

Google Introduces Google Middle Earth

Ever been "Slashdotted"?

Some of you might know what it means, some of you might even have been to SlashDot.

But it looks like there's a new contendor to the referral killing throne...
Meet Digg.

Wired News: Digg Just Might Bury Slashdot

You've heard the ring-tone, seen the music vid...

Now you can play the Crazy Frog racing game!
Digital Jesters

[CT users can get to an internal copy of the demo video HERE (windows media)]

BEER, FISHING, SEX & GOLF

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by aparticularlydirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with youfor doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

The Aussies won some footy yesterday...


Sixteen reasons why alcohol should be served at work

  1. It's an incentive to show up.
  2. It leads to more honest communications.
  3. It reduces complaints about low pay.
  4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to hear.
  5. It encourages car pooling.
  6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
  7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
  8. It makes fellow employees look better.
  9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
  10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
  11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
  12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
  13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
  14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
  15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
  16. Sitting "Bare Butt" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."

"Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance."

Thursday, 17 November 2005

Rugby players and their alter-egos

Planet-Rugby.com

Wednesday, 16 November 2005

Nothing like too much information....

Run your mouse cursor over these people...

Peeping [flash]

Monday, 14 November 2005

Watching all six Star Wars movies simultaneously

Watching all six Star Wars movies simultaneously [images not webmarshal friendly]

Can I get a turtle latte to go?

Oddly Enough News Article | Reuters.com

How do you know you're having a bad hair day?

When you make this list!

demonbaby: The First Annual MySpace Stupid Haircut Awards!

Liquid Cereal!

Breakfast, in a can!

Liquid Cereal - The BevNET.com Review

The Adventures of Dr. McNinja

The Adventures of Dr. McNinja A cartoon for all the family..... not!

Jackie Chan spin-offs...

I think I've had this, or others like it before, I'm sure there must be clubs/websites dedicated to it by now: City Jumping [windows media]

Pillow Fight

Pillow Fight Video and other Funny Videos and Clips on StupidVideos.com - Your Web Repository of Stupid Videos

Meet the predecessor to "The Family Guy"

Compfused.com - The Life of Larry

Donkeys are scary!

Compfused.com - Hi Eeyore! [windows media]

Apparently there weren't enough Super Hero's in old'en times....

These guys have put paid to that! Nothing like re-writing (or drawing) history...

Worth1000.com | Photoshop Contests | Are you Worthy´┐Ż | contest

I hope none of them have bird-flu....

Yahoo! News Photo

Quote of the day

Someone's poking fun at some of the recent DRM and other disclamers that we have to swallow these days...

QDB: Quote #577451

The Urban Beast Project

I'm not entirely sure why I'm including this one, I guess it's just odd!

The Urban Beast Project

Why Women believe Men are immature





African Ipod

First Xmas Joke Of The Year!

The difference between Indian & Irish Yoga

Intelligent joke

A few months back it was the anniversary of Albert Einstein's birthday. He was born March 14, 1879. Few remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919.

He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was wellendowed. He postulated that if you are attracted to womenwith large breasts, the attraction is stronger if there is aDNA connection.

He called it Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty.

Well he would - wouldn't he!

Cracker of a fridge magnet!

Wednesday, 9 November 2005

A classic

Stephen Spielberg is casting for a new film based around the great composers. Anyway to give the film a twist and some "oomph" he decides to cast the parts to the great action heroes of today. He calls Stallone, Arnie, Bruce Willis and Seagal into his office to hear who they would like to play.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favourite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano" said Willis. "I'll play him."

"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segal. "I'd like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid". Then looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"

So Arnold says .....







Wait for it, ...............





its a beauty






"I'll be Bach."

My mother-in-law ...

A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker toldthem, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury herhere in the Holy Land for $150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shippedhome. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship yourmother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and youwould spend only $150."
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and threedays later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

Friday, 4 November 2005

Marriage

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin.
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector;all he ever did was. God, I miss him!

But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"
"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"
"You're a Lawyer, this time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!

Best Halloween costume ever

Thursday, 3 November 2005

Mapping my visitors

Some of you may have spotted the My Guestmap on the sidebar, it's a cool guest map that I came across. Lets you pin where you're from, set your flag and leave a comment.

I'm guessing most of you are probably NZ, hopefully I'm starting to get a wider readship.

Tui have posted their ads online!

The pallet [flash]

Make sure you check out the whole set:
http://www.tui.co.nz/video.asp

And while you're there, don't forget the Tui Girls! http://www.tui.co.nz/tuigirl_albumshow2005.asp

Desktop wars...

Icon Story [Flash]
An oldie but goodie...

Tuesday, 1 November 2005

Relativity

At dawn the telephone rings.

"Hello, Senor Lucky? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor, that your parrot died.

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Senor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird.
"What did he die from?"

"From eating rotten meat, Senor"

Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor."

WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"

"Your wife's, Senor... She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."

SILENCE...................

"Ernesto if you broke that driver, you're in deep s**t!"