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The Usual Friday Crud

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Friday, 29 July 2005

A Scanner Darkly

Oooo a new Keanu movie... (just as well it's got some good actors too! :)

Apple - Trailers - A Scanner Darkly [quicktime]

Woah... serious Aha dejaview...

Get The Fruit !

Family Guy?

Get The Fruit !

From the ever growing "Only in America" file...

Oddly Enough News Article | Reuters.com

Computer Game designers are a wacky bunch!

WebTurd - Pink Teddy Bears

Postage Paid Envelope Revenge

Also known as "how to gid rid of that old spare tire..."

Postage Paid Envelope Revenge

BTW I don't think this works with NZ Post...

Play time!

lecielestbleu.com : la Pate a Son [shockwave]

Other than making music, I'm not exactly sure what the goal is here...

It's finally coming...

Universal Pictures :: Doom :: In theaters October 21

Virtual Street Reality

Virtual Street Reality

I think this guy came to NZ at one point too....

Trust the Germans to find this...

Germans discover world's oldest dildo | The Register

The Dutch will probably try and top this...


The rollercoaster ride that doesn't go anywhere....


Balancing Point

These guys have a great grasp of filming in reverse...

balancing [quicktime]

Today's Front Pages - Map View

Kinda neat... the even have NZ!
Not that you can actually read the articles...

Today's Front Pages - Map View

Who said needlepoint was for sissies...

Extreme Craft's Rosey Grier's Needlepoint for Men slideshow on Flickr [flash]

Most countries try to get rid of sharks

The Aussies, bless them, are breeding them in test-tubes!

Australia seeks to breed test-tube sharks - Yahoo! News

At least it's a docile shark...

Your colour laser printer has it's own thumbprint

As seen on CSI I believe....
PCWorld.com - Government Uses Color Laser Printer Technology to Track Documents

Tuesday, 26 July 2005

New Zealand't Celebrity Drug scandle!

No, not Lana! Ridgey and Macas I can understand...

BTW I don't think the real names have been released yet...

Monday, 25 July 2005

Here's why you don't use UPS for your deliveries...

Planet Vids - Crazy Videos - Terrible UPS Service [windows media]

Two different channels on the same (LCD) TV!

Planet Vids - Cool Videos - Two Way Television [windows media]

BYO headphones...

Don't let CT know, they'll have us sharing desks/computers...

Only American's can park like this...

TALON - Texas Area Lightning Owners North - Forums - Only in Arkansas [large images]

Retro is definitly back...

Rubik's Cube Solver

Poor mans roll playing game

GROW RPG [flash]

Old Geek...

Yup, the Amiga computer is 20 years old... Not that I ever had one... I was still using a Commodore 64...

Slashdot | Happy Birthday, Amiga

Boy I feel old...

The next version of Windows to be called "Vista"

AKA virses, infections, spyware, trojans and adware...
Windows Vista draws, jokes, scorn, approval | CNET News.com

Saturday, 23 July 2005

If World War Two had been an online Real Ttime Strategy game, the chat room traffic would have gone something like this...

Military Jokes Military Humor

Thanks Jan!

Thursday, 21 July 2005

It is a hard job but somebody has to do it


I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been
dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me, it was her beautiful
younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very
tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend
down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view.
It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone
One day "little" sister called and asked me to go over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to
me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got
married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total
shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my
bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down
the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a
beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed
straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all
clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said,
"We are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't
ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to our family!!!"

And the moral of this story is : Always keep your condoms in your car.

Wednesday, 20 July 2005

Google Moon - Lunar Landing Sites

More than 30 years ago, man landed on the Moon... only now does Google bring us the pics! :)

Google Moon - Lunar Landing Sites

Hint: zoom all the way in to discover what the Moon is really made of...

Olympics. East London stylee innit.

Olympic Games 2012

As you may know, London (Stratford) will be hosting the Olympic Games in

2012. What you may not know, is that many of the famous events which go
make up this spectacular event, are to be especially altered for 2012.

A copy of these changes has been leaked, and is reproduced below.

The flame will be ignited by a petrol thrown by a native of the area,
in the traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame will be
contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof of the

In previous Olympic Games, East London's competitors have not been
particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the
have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven (one
each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be
released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden
walls etc)

Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use

(claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most
physical damage within three attempts.

Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in

A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first
target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors
aim at a post office clerk bank teller or securicor style wages delivery

man. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a
of either a Browning automatic handgun or Sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.

Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and
take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of
while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home.
bout will then commence.

Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and
take an
expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away

from home. All against the clock.

As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the
Rugby team, who will witness the theft.

Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joy-riding

All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one
found that can support human life, swimming events will be organised,
note that the Synchronised Swimming even for this year will comprise of
dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool, the
specific musical support to this event will be provided by "The Verve".

A safe route has yet to be decided.

Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot
the safety of anyone walking the streets of East London, especially
that appears to be mincing ...

Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the
Stratford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised
throwing, and music by the Ilford community choir. The flame will be
extinguished by police riot water cannon following inevitable pitch
invasion by a confused West Ham organised hooliganism club. The stadium
itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it
remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.

Late News:
Apparently Liverpool were set to put in a bid very similar to the above
with the Pentathlon modified to include: Killing a spouse, digging a
burying the body, laying a patio and the strangely named 'Calm Down'

To guarantee the entry of any Mancunian athletes at all, Drugs testing
been waived this year.

Tuesday, 19 July 2005

Total misCommunication


Today at 11 o'clock there will be a total eclipse of the
sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for
two minutes. As this is something that cannot be seen every
day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse
in the parking lot. Staff should meet in the lot at ten to
eleven, when I will deliver a short speech introducing the
eclipse, and giving some background information. Safety
goggles will be made available at a small cost.


Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car
park. This will be followed by a total eclipse of the sun,
which will appear for two minutes. For a moderate cost,
this will be made safe with goggles. The CEO will deliver a
short speech beforehand to give us all some information.
This is not something that can be seen every day.


The CEO will today deliver a short speech to make the sun
disappear for two minutes in the form of an eclipse. This
is something that cannot be seen every day, so staff will
meet in the car park at ten or eleven. This will be safe,
if you pay a moderate cost.


Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the
CEO will eclipse the sun for two minutes. This doesn't
happen every day. It will be safe, and as usual it will
cost you.


Some staff will go to the car park today to see the CEO
disappear. It is a pity this doesn't happen everyday.

Viva le France?

From today's paper:-

Jacques Chirac has officially raised the French terror alert level from
"Run" to "Hide". There are only two higher levels in France -
"Surrender" and "Collaborate".

The rise was prompted by a fire that destroyed France's white flag
factory - crippling their military capability.

Friday, 15 July 2005

I'll see if I can squeeze a few goodies in...

The Aussie legal system is nutz and the judge is a moron who doesn't understand technology.
They've just decided that it's illegal to LINK to pirate software/music/videos even if you don't host them yourself!
What's worse, the ISP hosting the site that did the linking, was also deemed guilty!
Now if only we could charge Telco's with hosting phone conversations between terrorists and paedophiles!
Dell have shutdown their public support forums (in the USA), The Register takes them to task, pointing out (humourously) some of the reasons why they should stay open.
Bullitt car chase still the tops!
Once again, reality catches up with Sci-Fi movies... This new planet has three suns!
NiN have release a free video! [QuickTime]
Looks like Trent wants to do an add for Apple notebooks...
It's almost a visual remake of a certain old Ah-ha video...
Coin trick... note for the faint of heart... [Windows Media]
Darth Vader's flashlight... for the boy who has everything....
Umm... "Ultralove Ninja"???  It's like James Bond opening credits meets a whacked out 70's Ninja... go figure [QuickTime]
You too can own your own Star Trek Shuttle craft.
Play time!  Planarity [flash] - I'm hooked!
Somewhere in Brazil, there's a guy with a major breast fettish!
Hands up the partnered/married men who've made this mistake...
Have a good weekend people!

Innovation or ?

I think we have the book these came from at home...

Thursday, 14 July 2005

The little paper bag

A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the

"Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little paper bag.

"Hmm, you look OK to me," said the Doctor, "but I'll do a blood test
and see what that shows, come back and see me in a couple of days."

The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results.

"What's wrong with me?" asked the little paper bag.

I'm afraid you are HIV positive!" said the doctor.

"No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!" said the little paper

"Have you been having unprotected s*x?" asked the doctor.

"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug
asked the doctor.

"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood
transfusion?" queried the doctor.

"NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Well", said the doctor, "are you in a homosexual relationship?"

"NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just a little paper

"Then there can be only one explanation." said the doctor

this is good - wait for it .... ..... .... ....

"Your mother must have been a carrier"

Tuesday, 12 July 2005

Top Tips


  1. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
  2. A mousetrap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from going back to sleep.
  3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
  4. Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
  5. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f***ing thing in the first place, you fat b*st*rds.
  6. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
  7. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
  8. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
  9. X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning; having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
  10. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars.Simply stand closerto what you want to look at.
  11. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
  12. Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.
  13. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
  14. Anorexics, when your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.
  15. A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
  16. Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.
  17. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
  18. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.
  19. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply p*ssing in the sink.
  20. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any difference.
  21. Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
  22. Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex '. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.
  23. Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.
  24. Have all your dumps at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

Bush still struggling with the basics...

They say that once you've learned to ride a bike, you never forget...
Someone needs to tell Bush...

Well they lost the Rugby, big time, so I guess they have to get something...

Friday, 8 July 2005

DVD audio encryption scheme defeated

DVD audio encryption scheme defeated

That didn't take long...

Thursday, 7 July 2005

How to pass an immigration test in New Zealand ...

Mujibar was trying to get into New Zealand legally through Immigration.
The Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except there
is one more test. Unless you pass it you cannot enter New Zealand."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am

The Officer said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up,
and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now lives in a neighbourhood near you, and works at a Telecom
help desk.
"Committed to helping out in our community."

Wednesday, 6 July 2005

Now that images are working...

The Lion's selection process?

Tuesday, 5 July 2005

Britomart - awash with rugby fans

Hope you can tell from crud camera on my PDA/Cellphone...
Sent from Craig's Harrier PDA/Cellphone

[Edit] Yay, inline images work... just not in email...

There's a little bit of Rugby going on these days...

OK, so the Lions are touring New Zealand and getting a right pasting...

Tonight they play the local Auckland team and the NZ Herald have put some
handy hints online:

Tips for Auckland residents

  1. Avoid major roads round Eden Park (including Dominion, Balmoral and Sandringham Rds).
  2. Make alternative travel arrangements.
  3. Leave work earlier or later to miss increased traffic from 4pm to 7pm.

My reaction:

  1. This is a  tip for non-Aucklanders... since Aucklanders avoid main roads anyway...
  2. The busses and trains are already unreliable, so count them out, that leaves you with cars... which are the cause of the problem...  Helicopter anyone?
  3. I wish... perhaps we should all have been given the day off...

Friday, 1 July 2005

Boy it's cold these days...

This edition starts with the obligatory LEGO page...
Remember "All your base, are belong to us"? it's back, this time it's the Bohemium Rhapsody remix! [flash]
Did the Doom movie every hit the cinemas?  Who cares... wanna buy some monsters?
Ummm... a webcam of a monitor stuck to a wall (with superglue) that you can send messages to... Talk about recursive nonsense.... [flash]
They're clouds Jim, but not as we know it...
It's a wonder the likes of Dilbert aren't in here every day....
And then I ran out of time... today...