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The Usual Friday Crud

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Monday, 30 May 2005

Would you believe I start these on Monday!

[posted late cause I wasn't at work on Friday and it's a poor collection this week]



Q: Why are 'pirates' called pirates?
A: Because they ARRRRR!


1 .  Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella, unless at rugby and your biltong is getting wet, then, for the eating period only, it is permissible.

2 .  It is OK for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
          a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
          b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
          c. After wrecking your boss' car.
          d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
          e. When she is using her teeth.

3 .  Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.

4 .  Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12   hours.

5 .  If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

6 .  Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However, complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7 .  No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.  In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional. 

8 .  On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9 .  When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10.  You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment,

she's officially your girlfriend.

11.  It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.

12.  Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.

13.  Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14.  Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15.  If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16.  Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game (can explain offside or LBW) and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18.  Never hesitate to reach for the last beer OR the last slice of pizza, but not both - that's just greedy.

19.  If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20.  Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21.  Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
          a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
          b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
          c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

22.  Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23.  Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24.  The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have had carnal 'drunken monkey sex', the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was, occurs.

25.  It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26.  Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, orange or sky blue.

27.  The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a Play station II. End of story.

28.  There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.


[Craig's note: I thought the English system was the wrong way around?  Public schools being for the toffs and private for the plebs?]

For the unaware, there is a slight difference between private schools and comprehensives in Britain.

The Department of Education has realised this and has revised the secondary Maths Exam papers accordingly.

Attached are the most recent maths exam papers for your reference.


Name _____________________________
Gang Name________________________
1. Simon has 0.5 kilos of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Matt for 300 quid and 90 grams to Ollie for 90 quid, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

2. Damon pimps 3 bitches. If the price is GBP40 a ride, how many jobs per day must each bitch perform to support Damon's GBP500 a day coke habit?

3. Crackster wants to cut the kilo of cocaine he bought for 7,000 quid to make a 20% profit. How many grams of Strychnine will he need?

4. Trev got 6 years for murder. He also got GBP350,000 for the hit. If his common law wife spends GBP33,100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out? Extra Credit Bonus: How much more time will Trev get for killing the slapper that spent his money?

5. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square metres and the average letter is 1 square metre, how many letters can be sprayed with eight fluid ounce cans of spray paint with 20% extra paint free?

6. Liam steals Jordan's skateboard. As Liam skates away at a speed of 35mph, Jordan loads his brother's Armalite. If it takes Jordan 20 seconds to load the gun, how far will Liam have travelled when he gets whacked?



(If longer please continue on a separate sheet)

School _______________________________________________

Daddy's/Mummy's Company ____________________________

1. Harry smashes up the old man's car, causing x amount of damage and killing 3 people. The old man asks his local Chief Constable to intervene in the court system, then forges his insurance claim and receives a payment of y. The difference between x and y is three times the life insurance settlement for the three dead people. What kind of car is Harry driving

2. Fiona's personal shopper decides to substitute generic and own-brand products for the designer goods favoured by her employer. In the course of a month she saves the price of a return ticket to Fiji and Fiona doesn't even notice the difference. Is she thick or what?

3. Tristram fancies the arse off a certain number of debutants, but he
only has enough Rohypnol left to render 33.3% unconscious. If he has 14 tablets of Rohypnol, how is he ever going to shag the other two thirds?

4. If Verity throws up 4 times a day for a week she can fit into a size
8 Versace. If she only throws up 3 times a day for two weeks, she has to make do with a size 10 Dolce & Gabbana. How much does liposuction cost?

5. Henry is unsure about his sexuality. Three days a week he fancies
women. On the other days he fancies men, ducks and vacuum cleaners. However he only has access to the Hoover every third week. When will he stand for parliament?


Friday, 20 May 2005

Friday... And about time too!

[Ed: gonna have to start writing HTML emails for these auto posts...]

Just the vehicle for taking your friends up the mountain...

For only US$500 you can eat Michael Jackson! [cringe... Where have you heard that before?]

Scottish Sobriety Test [Windows Media]

StarWars spoof and "spin-off" movies...

Yeah, it was the aliens doing crop circles again... Yeah, right...

Art imitates life...

The lamer StarWars characters...

Pimped your car with spinners on the wheels? Want some for your teeth?

As if there isn't enough StarWars mania on the net...

Stunt City [QuickTime]

Poor Lions, they miss the real thing...

Coming soon to a supermarket near you... [flash] - choose the lowspeed option...


Letter from Glazer [American who recently purchased English Football
Club Manchester United]:

Dear Soccer fans,

As you all know, i've been looking to buy the United's of Manchester for
a little while now. I've also heard that some of you may not be too
happy about me using, sorry, buying the club in order to reach new
heights and also, that I may not be a fan. Well fear not, as i'm writing
this personal letter to let you know that i'm a genuine fan of you blue

I began rooting for the United's back in 1992 when our little Malcolm JR
was practising those Soccer home runs out in the yard. I loved the way
you turned defence into offence, and the way that Bobby Shearer used to
top half it into the goal bag. Oh man, that play was hot. My son tells
me that you even out-zoned your City rivals Southampton in the 4th
quarter of the FA World series. As for your current team, that Rude guy
is awesome!!!! I see a profitable future at the United, with the young
talent of Cristiano Rooney (man, that guy can dance!) and Peter Shilton
giving us hope in defeating the evil Russian tyranny which assaults the
freedom of our beloved Soccer. With the marketing potential of those
Neville brothers and that Pearce dude leading the team, we can all look
to acheiving our beliefs of a better future. Especially when I add
Alexei Lalas and Cobi Jones to the starting 15.

Now to you, the fans.
I've been to see the United's play once before, and the respect you pay
your team in silently admiring the play out on the pitch was
overwhelming. Because of this, i've just purchased a new GBP45 million
mansion in the Manchester to be close to you guys. And more good news is
i'm planning to add an extra 10,000 seats through corporate boxes so
more genuine blue devils can experience the play. What's with the prawn
sandwiches I had to eat when I was there? Well, rest assured, it'll be
super size prawn baguettes when I take charge. I can't wait to come over
to the Manchester isles, as I love the country, especially the beaches
and the hot chicks. I hope you can all see my vision of this future,
with new shirt sponsors (Dunkin Donuts) and new team name (The
Manchester Gloom) i'm sure things are looking bright.

Further good news for you guys is that i've just agreed a partnership
deal with McDonalds, who will help in promoting the Manchester brand.
This will involve re-naming the stadium to 'McTrafford' as well as an
exciting launch of Manchester Gloom plastic fan toys in every happy
meal. Cristiano Rooney will be the face of this campaign and during
this, he will be marketed globally as Roonald McDonald.

Take care dudes.


In the world of romance, one single rule applies to the men:
Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do
something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any
points for doing something that she expects.

Here is a guide to the point system:


You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0) You throw the
bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1) You go out to buy her what she wants
(+5) In the rain (+8) But return with Beer (-5) You check out a
suspicious noise at night (0) You check out a suspicious noise, and it
is nothing (0) You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with iron rod (+10) It's her pet (-10)


You stay by her side the entire party (0) You stay by her side for a
while, then leave to chat with a college buddy
Named Tina (-4)
Tina is a dancer (-6)
Tina has silicon implants (-80)


You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1) Okay, it's a
sports bar (-2) And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3) It's a sports bar,
it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your
favorite team (-10)


You take her to a movie (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called 'Death Cop' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)


You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15) You develop a noticeable
potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10) You develop a noticeable
potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30) You
say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)


She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT]
You hesitate in responding (-10) You reply, "Where?" (-35) Any other
response (-20)


When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen, displaying what
looks like a concerned expression (0) You listen, for over 30 minutes
(+50) You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV
(+500) She realises this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000)


You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You
are surprised when the cow drops dead.

You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

A farmer has two cows.
You take over his farm, eat both cows and wait for the international
community to supply more.

You have two cows.
You re-design them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images
called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and
milk themselves.

You have two cows.
Both are mad.

You have two cows. The production of milk is moved to Estonia. One cow
is put on a government-sponsored program to start producing eggs, the
other is on disability pension.

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.

You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.

You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the
newsman who reported the numbers.

You have two cows.
The one on the left is kinda cute...


A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says
her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?
"Are you nuts? !!" she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around,
runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.
"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the guy runs around
the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts
just once for $10,000 dollars?"
She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars, eh?
Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the
most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs
and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking
them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them
or not?"
"Nah", he replies. "Costs too much..............."


Monday, 16 May 2005

Last Friday

Forgot that I was going to put "FRIDAY" stuff on here, so here's last Friday's, for your viewing pleasure...

This gets hard pretty quick... [supposed to be for python coders... Your mileage may vary] http://www.pythonchallenge.com/pc/index.htm

I paint lines, I don't move trees!

I've got a video coming, just need to see if google lets it past... and how long it takes.

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any." The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Sweet mudder o Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any." The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."
Master Rick strode into the bedroom , wearing His leather postal worker's uniform. He sneered at the bound and gagged figure on the bed, as He reached into His latex mail bag, slave lisa, a 29 year old schoolgirl, looked up at her Master, her eyes a mixture of fear and desire. She gasped as He brought a knife with a 9~inch blade out of the bag. "I saw something on the Internet which I want us to try," He said sternly, "Are you willing?" lisa nodded eagerly and mumbled, "yeff Mather". Master Rick smiled as He bent close and cut her free of her bonds. "Strip"
He ordered as He began to remove His own clothes.. lisa quickly complied, wondering what new delights her beloved Master had in store for her. "Lay back on the bed", He commanded. lisa did so. her Master then laid on top of her.
"Tonight my dear", He whispered while re! ! aching for the light switch........................
"We are going .........
"NOOOOOOoooooooooo", cried lisa as the room plunged into darkness.
The above tale is true. Rick eventually left lisa to move in with a vanilla woman. They now have a 24/7 vanilla lifestyle,regularly enjoying home improvements, Tupperware parties and only having sex
3 times a year. lisa was more fortunate and now attends Vanilla's Anonymous; with help and guidance she is slowly recovering. Only last week she was able to stand up and say, "I have the right to more than one sexual position!"
Vanilla is dangerous and should not be practiced at home. If anyone offers you vanilla sex, just say No.

This has been a BDSM safety awareness announcement
A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes, on crutches, with a cast from his feet to his hips.
Matthew Kelly introduces him as Simon.
'It's very brave of you to come out here,' says Matthew. 'Please tell the audience what happened?'
'Well' replies Simon 'about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really bad accident. Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright but I survived.
I was trapped in the car for six hours before I was eventually cut free. The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but they couldn't save my legs.'
'That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial?' asks Matthew.
'No Matthew. While I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my uncle had in fact died, but that his legs were fine and with all the advances in medical science, they could graft his legs onto my body. The operation was successful.
I have been having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking fully again by the end of the year'.
A huge round of applause erupts from the audience.
'That's an unbelievably amazing story. So, who are you going to be?'
'Tonight, Matthew...
...wait for it...
...it'll be along in a minute...
...I am going to be Simon and Halfuncle'.
The following mind-boggling attempt at a crime spree in Washington, USA, appeared to be the robber's first (and last), due to his lack of a previous record of violence, and his terminally stupid choices:

1. His target was H&J Leather & Firearms, A gun shop specializing in handguns.
2. The shop was full of customers - firearms customers.
3. To enter the shop, the robber had to step around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door.
4. A uniformed officer was standing at the counter, having coffee before work. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a .22 target pistol.
5. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, the police officer with a 9mm Glock 17, the clerk with a .50 Desert Eagle, assisted by several customers who also drew their guns, several of whom also fired, The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics.
6. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop.
7. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt in the exchange of fire.
8. Here we are at the beginning of March and we already may have the
2005 winner of the Darwin Award. This guy is going to be hard to beat.
Words Women Use
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
Five Minutes
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".
Go Ahead
This is a dare, not permission, DON'T DO IT!
Loud Sigh
Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
That's Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you do not question it, just say you're welcome and back out of the room slowly.

Send this to the Men you know and want to help, or to the Women you know for a laugh.
Frank goes into a sex shop and asks for a blow-up doll.
The assistant asks him, "Do you want a white one or a black one?"
Frank says, "A black one, please."
The clerks then asks, "Do you want a Christian one or a Muslim one?"
Frank asks, "What's the difference?"
And the clerk replied, "The Muslim ones blow themselves up."