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The Usual Friday Crud

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Wednesday, 31 August 2005

Greeks vs Italian's

A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes the Greek man says,"Well, we have the Parthenon."

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women!"

Friday, 26 August 2005

3D displays are here!


Wednesday, 24 August 2005

The ultimate in female piercing

Laying down the law....

Simon was about to marry Nicola and his father took him to one side. "When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers," he said.

I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on. When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large. I told her, "of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will. " Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem."....

Simon took his father's advice and as soon as he got Nicola alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Nicola and told her to put them on. Nicola said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them. "Exactly," replied Simon. "I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want you to forget that".

Nicola paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Simon. "Try these on," she said, so he tried them on but they were too small. "I can't possibly get into your knickers," said Simon.

"Exactly," replied Nicola. "And if you don't change your f*cking attitude, you never will."

Signs you've had too much booze!

Funny Veg

A Big Ad.... for beer

Good on ya aussies... taking off the British Airways ad I think...

Four Cats

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee.To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff."T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.But the Accountant said his cat could do better.He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.Everyone agreed that was good.But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said "Measure, do your stuff."Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.Everyone agreed that was pretty good.Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"The Government Employee called his cat and said "CoffeeBreak, do your stuff."CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

Friday, 19 August 2005

Two Fried Eggs

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful ... CAREFUL!! Put in some more butter!! Oh my Gosh!! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!!
Turn them!! TURN THEM NOW!! We need more butter. Oh my Gosh!! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?! They're going to STICK!! Careful ...
CAREFUL!! I said be CAREFUL!! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never!! Turn them! HURRY UP!! Are you CRAZY? Have you lost your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!"

The wife stared at him. "What the &^%$&^% is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"Â The husband calmly replied,

"I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving".

DIY Security Inpections

DIY Security Inspection [large image]

For the Radiohead fans...

Very cool "music video" to Radioheads "Creep".

LOW MORALE ::: Presents Radiohead Music Video - CREEP [flash]

Thursday, 18 August 2005

Wallabies Hotline

Ex-Wallabies mentor backs Jones (because no one else will)

Rod Macqueen, arguably Australia's most successful rugby coach, has
his support behind embattled Wallabies mentor coach Eddie Jones and
George Gregan.
Jones and Gregan have come under intense pressure to keep their jobs
the Wallabies' 30-13 loss to New Zealand in Sydney on Saturday.

As a result of the intense after match pressure, rugby psychologists
opened a Wallabies Counselling Hotline:

13 10 + 10 + 10

Wednesday, 17 August 2005

Sony's Voyer lens!

A while back, one of Sony's handcams had nightvision so strong that it could see through thin walls and some clothing! Now they have a lens that sees round corners! Combine the two and you have a perverts dream!

eBay: Voyeur Lens for Sony DSC-H1 DSC-F828 DSC-F717 DSC-F707 (item 7537270087 end time Aug-09-05 17:34:15 PDT)

YouTube - Broadcast Yourself.

YouTube - Broadcast Yourself. [flash - for vids]

This is apparently the latest in sharing video on the web...

Sean Juan Clothing

Planet Vids - Funny Videos - Sean Juan Clothing [windows media]

Matchbox case

Northern Lite [quicktime]

Most excellent little video clip.

Talk about getting clients to your doorstep!

Canada on Yahoo! News Photos

Disco Obi-Wan

Disco Obi-Wan [requires sound]

It's a police line-up, but not as we know it...

Eric Myer Photography

Is it just me, or are these people pretty odd looking to start with?

It's a police line-up, but not as we know it...

Eric Myer Photography

Is it just me, or are these people pretty odd looking to start with?

Firecracker Vest - Yes, there's a new way for martial arts black-belts to prove their abilities...

Compfused.com - Firecracker Vest [windows media]

... this probably isn't it.

Couch Racing - Hmmm... not your normal armchair athlete!

Compfused.com - Couch Racing [windows media]

Talk about recharging in the toilet!

New Scientist Breaking News - Pee-powered battery smaller than a credit card

Playtime! Get Daffy to land on the platform


I think we've played this before!

Lego article of the week...

Wired News: Lego Lovers Unite in Arlington

Surely this justifies learning how to do Flash?


Men In Coats

Men In Coats [windows media]

Someone should get these guys the the NZ comedy fest!

I know the Dutch have some very liberal ideas, but this Yank built a Viking ship with iceblock sticks!

Oddly Enough News Article | Reuters.com

If you're ever on safari... make sure it's not in a "small car"...

BBC NEWS | England | Merseyside | Confused lions 'hunt' small cars

You know about magic cookies... how about magic milk!

Oddly Enough News Article | Reuters.com

Get your own rocketbelt!

It's the 1984 LA Olympics all over again!

Stuart Ross Rocketbelt :: Peroxide Propulsion

No it's not spank the monkey... it's stroke the kitty...

Retro playtime again
Kitten on the Keyboard [flash]

Hell's Pizza ad

Working with idiots can kill you!

[Clicking on the image will show it full size]

Tuesday, 16 August 2005

The weekend starts here. It can only get better?

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems...

Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. "Incredible" he says, there is a £20 note lodged up here."

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 note appears.
"This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. "What do you want me to do?"

"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc....

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.
"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly,dat's moch batter, how moch is dare den?"
The Doctor counts the pile of cash £1,990 exactly." "Ah, dat'd be roit", says the Irishman.....

(Wait for it............)

"I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."

Thursday, 11 August 2005

Touching story...

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:

Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you didfor me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving bastards at the Post Office.
Sincerely, Edna

Wednesday, 10 August 2005

The Truth about Guys

First of all, Asian guys are either too skinny, too brainy (u don't
understand half of wat he's sayin') or too rich to date so don't even
think of goin' there, well, unless you as an island chick, don't believe
in cornbeef, taro, or where most of us fit...MUMMY and DADDY want the
money coz they're sick of losing the Tuesday Night bingo.
Let's just forget I even mentioned an Asian guy.

PALAGI GUYS: (Otherwise known to us FOBS as Mea Papae:):
Well would he even contemplate goin' out with a chick who has 2 sisters
and 5 BROTHERS!!!!... I think not!
Let your brothers do the choosing

MAORI GUYS (Or otherwise known as HORIS):
He looks cute from behind right? nice ass (a skinny one), nice hair (so
it seems), and a nice build until he turns round.....in some
cases...yes...in others..NO....If you do go on a date, his first
question would most probably be..."Aye bro" (regardless of you being a
girl and all....you still get called BRO)...."You smoke weed?"....Your
ideal date as a chick would most probably be a movie, dinner, then home?
Well sorry to break that image, would most definitely result in the

1) YOU pickin' HIM up
2) Heading str8 to the Tinnie House
3) Him wanting a root after gettin' high
4) Then those last words....CALL ME K? CHE CHE
Again - Let the BROTHERS choose

TONGAN GUYS (Otherwise known as HORSE-MEN):
Now why would you wanna go there for and date a Tongan Guy? His English
and his name are just as bad as his looks!!!....unless he's one of those
Half Tongan half Palagi's which you get once every blue moon....so I
doubt it. Let me break it down a bit more, with that gold tooth shining
out brighter than the sun, and hair that has more blonde than black in
your face... SUGA....you're better off lookin' somewhere else...NOT at

His sister who probably looks more like a man than him, will deal with
you....so let's just not go there.....

Well well well, for starters, his hair is probably longer than yours, up
& down, (you dirty minded girls), he'll be too busy tellin' you bout who
invented the NAUGHTY BY NIUEANS t-shirt, more than anyfin' else...and
how they're known as SAVAGES...yeah rite...everyone knows that when you
are a PACIFIC ISLANDER....you are automatically labelled as a
SAVAGE...he spends most of his time doing the TUIA TUIA TUIA...sheesh be
careful....SE MAKA I KUIA....

Tell him to tie up his hair, and get rid of the 'HIGH VOCAB' talk.

Okay, when it comes to C.I. guys, they come in two categories. He'll
either have an identity crisis and think he's Maori, or he'll be so
fresh off the boat that his idea of a good time is MANGERE
POOLS..."Feels jut like Home" he says. You'll enjoy his company coz he's
a bit of a joker but once he knows he's got you wrapped around his lil'
finger, he'll then want you wrapped around something else. He'll
effortlessly try and get into your pants or should I say PANTIES, and
hopefully you don't give in just after two weeks.

Ask if he's had an HIV test when you first meet. Guaranteed he won't
know what you're talkin' bout.

INDIAN GUYS (Otherwise known to us females as RAPISTS): Suga....wat the
hell are you thinking aye? He might be rich and has a car, but come on
now girls...JUST LOOK AT HIM!!! You just don't go there. He just blends
in with the dark. Makes you wonder exactly what you hold when you're
sleepin' next to him doesn't it? Do you even understand what he says to
you? I thought others were bad.....but these guys are LITERALLY bad. I
mean....COME ON...YOU GOTTA BE JOKIN'. And have you even smelt THEM.
It's a wonder you still have your NOSE.

Just don't even look in his direction...PLEASE....I BEG YOU!!!!

Well what can I say???hehehe...they're nice (outside & inside, as long
as they don't show their toes, and trim their nose hair), nice bodies,
nice everything....well maybe you can look past the BROKEN ENGLISH, THE
MAYBE. You'd probably feel like takin' him home after the first
date...IF YOUR DAD IS SAMOAN....then that would be your number ONE
wish....and.....well...if you see yourself with this one in the LONG
RUN..then I suggest you learn to BOX, because one wrong move...and YOU

Be prepared to become WIFE number 5. You know he has how many other wife
and kids.

Dilbert's Words of Wisdom

Courtesy of Dilbert.com

  • I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
  • I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
  • Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
  • Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
  • Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.
  • I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
  • On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
  • I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
  • You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
  • Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
  • Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
  • A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt.
  • Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
  • After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
  • The more crud you put up with, the more crud you are going to get.
  • You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
  • Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.
  • When bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
  • If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a darn fool about it.
  • There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
  • Everything can be filed under 'miscellaneous'.
  • Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
  • To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
  • Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
  • Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
  • If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
  • You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
  • People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
  • If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
  • At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
  • When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
  • Following the rules will not get the job done.
  • Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
  • When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
  • The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

Tuesday, 9 August 2005


  • Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
  • A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
  • A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
  • My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
  • Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
  • Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
  • I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
  • A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
  • Shotgun wedding is a case of wife or death.
  • I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
  • I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
  • A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
  • Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
  • A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
  • Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
  • Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
  • Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
  • Banning the bra was a big flop.
  • Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
  • Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
  • A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
  • Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
  • A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
  • Without geometry, life is pointless.
  • When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
  • Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
  • Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
  • When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
  • If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?

Monday, 8 August 2005

A little dancing for breakfast?

http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2005/breakfast-p1.php [windows media]

Oh dear...

A chap is in a queue at the Super Market when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "sorry, do you know me?" She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children".

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, "Christ!" he says "Are you that strippogram on my stag night that I shagged on the pool table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my arse?"

-"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher".

Ordering Pizza - Under the new (USA) Homeland Security System...

Operator: Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your national ID number?
Customer: Hi, I'd like to place an order.
Operator: I must have your NIDN first, sir.
Customer: My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's 6102049998-45-54610.
Operator: Thank you Mr. Smith. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number is 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number is 266-2566. Email address is
smith@home.net Which number are you calling from?
Customer: Huh? I'm at home. Where'd you get all this information?
Operator: We're wired into the HSS, sir.
Customer: The HSS, what is that?
Operator: We're wired into the Homeland Security System, sir. This will add only 15 seconds to your ordering time.
Customer: (sighs) Oh well, I'd like to order a couple of your All Meat Special pizzas.
Operator: I don't think that's a good idea, sir.
Customer: Whaddya mean?
Operator: Sir, your medical records and commode sensors indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice .
Customer: What?!?! What do you recommend, then?
Operator: You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza.I'm sure you'll like it.
Customer: What makes you think I'd like something like that?
Operator: Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion.
Customer: All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then
Operator: That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids. Your 2 dogs can finish the crusts, sir. Your total is $49.99.
Customer: Lemme give you my credit card number.
Operator: I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit.
Customer: I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here.
Operator: That won't work either, sir. Your checking account is overdrawn also.
Customer: Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How long will it take?
Operator: We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick'em up while you're out getting the cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward.
Customer: Wait! How do you know I ride a scooter?
Operator: It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid for and you just filled the tank yesterday.
Customer: Well, I'll be a #%#^^&$%^$@#
Operator: I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July 4, 2003, conviction for cussing out a cop and another one I see here in September for contempt at your hearing for cussing at a judge. Oh yes, I see here that you just got out from a 90 day stay in the State Correctional Facility. Is this your first pizza since your return to society?
Customer: (speechless)
Operator: Will there be anything else, sir?
Customer: Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke.
Operator: I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics. The New Constitution our country started using in 2006 prohibits this. Thank you for calling Pizza Hut!

IKEA Job Interview

Wednesday, 3 August 2005

Got a blog yet? How about a photo-blog?

Flickr.com is probably the biggest photo-blog site around, they've now got a section of "interestingness"...

Flickr: Explore interesting photos around Flickr

Bugged by pop-ups and spyware?

OK, so here's something practical for a change... These guys have done a comparison of a number of Anti-Spyware products.

Are you being a responsable netizin?

State of Adware Detections (Index)

Not just a Google-Hack, but an Electronic Bong to boot!

People could be googling their way into your home security... And turning off your Electronic Bong!

Tuesday, 2 August 2005

anonymous story

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday. I'd like to be six again, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a sodapop, and her favorite candy, M&M's.

What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

The Ashes

Q. What do Geraint Jones and Michael Jackson have in common?
A. They both wear gloves for no apparent reason
Q. What is the height of optimism?
A. An English batsman applying sunscreen.
Q. What does Ashley Giles put in his hands to make sure the next ball almost always takes a wicket? A. A bat.
Q. What would Glen McGrath be if he was an Englishman?
A. An all-rounder.
Q. What advantage do Kevin Pieterson, Andrew Strauss and Geraint Jones have over the rest of their team-mates?
A. At least they can say they're not really English.
Q. What is the English version of a hat-trick?
A. Three runs in three balls.
Q. What do you call an Englishman with 100 runs against his name?
A. A bowler.
Q. What is the most proficient form of footwork displayed by English batsmen?
A. The walk back to the pavilion.
Q. Who has the easiest job in the English squad?
A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.
Q. Why is Andrew Flintoff the unluckiest English player?
A. Because he was born in England.
Q. What does "Ashes" stand for?
A. Another Sad Horrific English Series.
Q. What's the English version of LBW?
A. Lost, Beaten, Walloped.
Q. Who spends the most time on the crease of anyone in the English team?
A. The person who ironed the cricket whites.