Dilbert's Words of Wisdom

Courtesy of Dilbert.com

• I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
• I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
• Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
• Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
• Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.
• I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
• On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
• I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
• You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
• Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
• Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
• A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt.
• Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
• After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
• The more crud you put up with, the more crud you are going to get.
• You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
• Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.
• When bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
• If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a darn fool about it.
• There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
• Everything can be filed under 'miscellaneous'.
• Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
• To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
• Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
• Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
• If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
• You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
• People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
• If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
• At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
• When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
• Following the rules will not get the job done.
• Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
• When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
• The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.