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The Usual Friday Crud

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Friday, 20 May 2005

Friday... And about time too!

[Ed: gonna have to start writing HTML emails for these auto posts...]

Just the vehicle for taking your friends up the mountain...

For only US$500 you can eat Michael Jackson! [cringe... Where have you heard that before?]

Scottish Sobriety Test [Windows Media]

StarWars spoof and "spin-off" movies...

Yeah, it was the aliens doing crop circles again... Yeah, right...

Art imitates life...

The lamer StarWars characters...

Pimped your car with spinners on the wheels? Want some for your teeth?

As if there isn't enough StarWars mania on the net...

Stunt City [QuickTime]

Poor Lions, they miss the real thing...

Coming soon to a supermarket near you... [flash] - choose the lowspeed option...


--------------------------

Letter from Glazer [American who recently purchased English Football
Club Manchester United]:

Dear Soccer fans,

As you all know, i've been looking to buy the United's of Manchester for
a little while now. I've also heard that some of you may not be too
happy about me using, sorry, buying the club in order to reach new
heights and also, that I may not be a fan. Well fear not, as i'm writing
this personal letter to let you know that i'm a genuine fan of you blue
devils.

I began rooting for the United's back in 1992 when our little Malcolm JR
was practising those Soccer home runs out in the yard. I loved the way
you turned defence into offence, and the way that Bobby Shearer used to
top half it into the goal bag. Oh man, that play was hot. My son tells
me that you even out-zoned your City rivals Southampton in the 4th
quarter of the FA World series. As for your current team, that Rude guy
is awesome!!!! I see a profitable future at the United, with the young
talent of Cristiano Rooney (man, that guy can dance!) and Peter Shilton
giving us hope in defeating the evil Russian tyranny which assaults the
freedom of our beloved Soccer. With the marketing potential of those
Neville brothers and that Pearce dude leading the team, we can all look
to acheiving our beliefs of a better future. Especially when I add
Alexei Lalas and Cobi Jones to the starting 15.

Now to you, the fans.
I've been to see the United's play once before, and the respect you pay
your team in silently admiring the play out on the pitch was
overwhelming. Because of this, i've just purchased a new GBP45 million
mansion in the Manchester to be close to you guys. And more good news is
i'm planning to add an extra 10,000 seats through corporate boxes so
more genuine blue devils can experience the play. What's with the prawn
sandwiches I had to eat when I was there? Well, rest assured, it'll be
super size prawn baguettes when I take charge. I can't wait to come over
to the Manchester isles, as I love the country, especially the beaches
and the hot chicks. I hope you can all see my vision of this future,
with new shirt sponsors (Dunkin Donuts) and new team name (The
Manchester Gloom) i'm sure things are looking bright.

Further good news for you guys is that i've just agreed a partnership
deal with McDonalds, who will help in promoting the Manchester brand.
This will involve re-naming the stadium to 'McTrafford' as well as an
exciting launch of Manchester Gloom plastic fan toys in every happy
meal. Cristiano Rooney will be the face of this campaign and during
this, he will be marketed globally as Roonald McDonald.

Take care dudes.
Regards

-------------------

In the world of romance, one single rule applies to the men:
Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do
something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any
points for doing something that she expects.

Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0) You throw the
bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1) You go out to buy her what she wants
(+5) In the rain (+8) But return with Beer (-5) You check out a
suspicious noise at night (0) You check out a suspicious noise, and it
is nothing (0) You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with iron rod (+10) It's her pet (-10)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

You stay by her side the entire party (0) You stay by her side for a
while, then leave to chat with a college buddy
(-2)
Named Tina (-4)
Tina is a dancer (-6)
Tina has silicon implants (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY

You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1) Okay, it's a
sports bar (-2) And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3) It's a sports bar,
it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your
favorite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT

You take her to a movie (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called 'Death Cop' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15) You develop a noticeable
potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10) You develop a noticeable
potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30) You
say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)

ENJOY THE 'BIG' QUESTION

She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT]
You hesitate in responding (-10) You reply, "Where?" (-35) Any other
response (-20)

COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen, displaying what
looks like a concerned expression (0) You listen, for over 30 minutes
(+50) You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV
(+500) She realises this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000)

------------------------------

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You
are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A SOUTH AFRICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

A ZIMBABWEAN CORPORATION
A farmer has two cows.
You take over his farm, eat both cows and wait for the international
community to supply more.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-design them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images
called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and
milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

SWEDISH CORPORATION
You have two cows. The production of milk is moved to Estonia. One cow
is put on a government-sponsored program to start producing eggs, the
other is on disability pension.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the
newsman who reported the numbers.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left is kinda cute...

------------------------

A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says
to
her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?
"Are you nuts? !!" she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around,
runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.
"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the guy runs around
the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts
just once for $10,000 dollars?"
She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars, eh?
Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the
most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs
them
and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking
them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them
or not?"
"Nah", he replies. "Costs too much..............."

---------------------------

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