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The Usual Friday Crud

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Monday, 16 May 2005

Last Friday

Forgot that I was going to put "FRIDAY" stuff on here, so here's last Friday's, for your viewing pleasure...

This gets hard pretty quick... [supposed to be for python coders... Your mileage may vary] http://www.pythonchallenge.com/pc/index.htm

I paint lines, I don't move trees!

I've got a video coming, just need to see if google lets it past... and how long it takes.

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any." The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Sweet mudder o Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any." The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."
Master Rick strode into the bedroom , wearing His leather postal worker's uniform. He sneered at the bound and gagged figure on the bed, as He reached into His latex mail bag, slave lisa, a 29 year old schoolgirl, looked up at her Master, her eyes a mixture of fear and desire. She gasped as He brought a knife with a 9~inch blade out of the bag. "I saw something on the Internet which I want us to try," He said sternly, "Are you willing?" lisa nodded eagerly and mumbled, "yeff Mather". Master Rick smiled as He bent close and cut her free of her bonds. "Strip"
He ordered as He began to remove His own clothes.. lisa quickly complied, wondering what new delights her beloved Master had in store for her. "Lay back on the bed", He commanded. lisa did so. her Master then laid on top of her.
"Tonight my dear", He whispered while re! ! aching for the light switch........................
"We are going .........
"NOOOOOOoooooooooo", cried lisa as the room plunged into darkness.
The above tale is true. Rick eventually left lisa to move in with a vanilla woman. They now have a 24/7 vanilla lifestyle,regularly enjoying home improvements, Tupperware parties and only having sex
3 times a year. lisa was more fortunate and now attends Vanilla's Anonymous; with help and guidance she is slowly recovering. Only last week she was able to stand up and say, "I have the right to more than one sexual position!"
Vanilla is dangerous and should not be practiced at home. If anyone offers you vanilla sex, just say No.

This has been a BDSM safety awareness announcement
A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes, on crutches, with a cast from his feet to his hips.
Matthew Kelly introduces him as Simon.
'It's very brave of you to come out here,' says Matthew. 'Please tell the audience what happened?'
'Well' replies Simon 'about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really bad accident. Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright but I survived.
I was trapped in the car for six hours before I was eventually cut free. The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but they couldn't save my legs.'
'That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial?' asks Matthew.
'No Matthew. While I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my uncle had in fact died, but that his legs were fine and with all the advances in medical science, they could graft his legs onto my body. The operation was successful.
I have been having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking fully again by the end of the year'.
A huge round of applause erupts from the audience.
'That's an unbelievably amazing story. So, who are you going to be?'
'Tonight, Matthew...
...wait for it...
...it'll be along in a minute...
...I am going to be Simon and Halfuncle'.
The following mind-boggling attempt at a crime spree in Washington, USA, appeared to be the robber's first (and last), due to his lack of a previous record of violence, and his terminally stupid choices:

1. His target was H&J Leather & Firearms, A gun shop specializing in handguns.
2. The shop was full of customers - firearms customers.
3. To enter the shop, the robber had to step around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door.
4. A uniformed officer was standing at the counter, having coffee before work. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a .22 target pistol.
5. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, the police officer with a 9mm Glock 17, the clerk with a .50 Desert Eagle, assisted by several customers who also drew their guns, several of whom also fired, The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics.
6. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop.
7. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt in the exchange of fire.
8. Here we are at the beginning of March and we already may have the
2005 winner of the Darwin Award. This guy is going to be hard to beat.
Words Women Use
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
Five Minutes
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".
Go Ahead
This is a dare, not permission, DON'T DO IT!
Loud Sigh
Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
That's Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you do not question it, just say you're welcome and back out of the room slowly.

Send this to the Men you know and want to help, or to the Women you know for a laugh.
Frank goes into a sex shop and asks for a blow-up doll.
The assistant asks him, "Do you want a white one or a black one?"
Frank says, "A black one, please."
The clerks then asks, "Do you want a Christian one or a Muslim one?"
Frank asks, "What's the difference?"
And the clerk replied, "The Muslim ones blow themselves up."


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