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The Usual Friday Crud

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Monday, 30 May 2005

Would you believe I start these on Monday!

[posted late cause I wasn't at work on Friday and it's a poor collection this week]

 
 

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Q: Why are 'pirates' called pirates?
A: Because they ARRRRR!

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INTERNATIONAL RULES OF MANHOOD
 
1 .  Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella, unless at rugby and your biltong is getting wet, then, for the eating period only, it is permissible.

 
2 .  It is OK for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
          a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
          b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
          c. After wrecking your boss' car.
          d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
          e. When she is using her teeth.

3 .  Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.

4 .  Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12   hours.

5 .  If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

6 .  Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However, complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7 .  No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.  In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional. 

8 .  On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9 .  When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10.  You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment,

she's officially your girlfriend.

11.  It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.

12.  Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.

13.  Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14.  Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15.  If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
 
16.  Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game (can explain offside or LBW) and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18.  Never hesitate to reach for the last beer OR the last slice of pizza, but not both - that's just greedy.

19.  If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20.  Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21.  Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
          a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
          b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
          c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

22.  Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23.  Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24.  The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have had carnal 'drunken monkey sex', the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was, occurs.

25.  It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26.  Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, orange or sky blue.

27.  The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a Play station II. End of story.


28.  There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

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[Craig's note: I thought the English system was the wrong way around?  Public schools being for the toffs and private for the plebs?]

For the unaware, there is a slight difference between private schools and comprehensives in Britain.

The Department of Education has realised this and has revised the secondary Maths Exam papers accordingly.

Attached are the most recent maths exam papers for your reference.

MATHS TEST FOR COMPREHENSIVES

Name _____________________________
Nickname__________________________
Gang Name________________________
1. Simon has 0.5 kilos of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Matt for 300 quid and 90 grams to Ollie for 90 quid, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

2. Damon pimps 3 bitches. If the price is GBP40 a ride, how many jobs per day must each bitch perform to support Damon's GBP500 a day coke habit?

3. Crackster wants to cut the kilo of cocaine he bought for 7,000 quid to make a 20% profit. How many grams of Strychnine will he need?

4. Trev got 6 years for murder. He also got GBP350,000 for the hit. If his common law wife spends GBP33,100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out? Extra Credit Bonus: How much more time will Trev get for killing the slapper that spent his money?

5. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square metres and the average letter is 1 square metre, how many letters can be sprayed with eight fluid ounce cans of spray paint with 20% extra paint free?

6. Liam steals Jordan's skateboard. As Liam skates away at a speed of 35mph, Jordan loads his brother's Armalite. If it takes Jordan 20 seconds to load the gun, how far will Liam have travelled when he gets whacked?

MATHS TEST FOR PRIVATE SCHOOLS

Name___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________

(If longer please continue on a separate sheet)

School _______________________________________________

Daddy's/Mummy's Company ____________________________

1. Harry smashes up the old man's car, causing x amount of damage and killing 3 people. The old man asks his local Chief Constable to intervene in the court system, then forges his insurance claim and receives a payment of y. The difference between x and y is three times the life insurance settlement for the three dead people. What kind of car is Harry driving
now?

2. Fiona's personal shopper decides to substitute generic and own-brand products for the designer goods favoured by her employer. In the course of a month she saves the price of a return ticket to Fiji and Fiona doesn't even notice the difference. Is she thick or what?

3. Tristram fancies the arse off a certain number of debutants, but he
only has enough Rohypnol left to render 33.3% unconscious. If he has 14 tablets of Rohypnol, how is he ever going to shag the other two thirds?

4. If Verity throws up 4 times a day for a week she can fit into a size
8 Versace. If she only throws up 3 times a day for two weeks, she has to make do with a size 10 Dolce & Gabbana. How much does liposuction cost?

5. Henry is unsure about his sexuality. Three days a week he fancies
women. On the other days he fancies men, ducks and vacuum cleaners. However he only has access to the Hoover every third week. When will he stand for parliament?

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