Ummm.... ouch!

SmitHappens- Biker Wipeout Video! [windows media]

And some people think I give Computer Geeks a bad name...

SmitHappens- SNL Nick Burns Your Company's Computer Guy! [windows media]

Men's Toilet

The Sofitel in Queenstown apparently!

Bird flu anyone?

Microsoft Add that is actually funny...

Live Meeting [windows media]

Ignore what they're selling...

One of the many unique photos of hurricane Wilma..

Bush at it again

Worth watching to the end!

SpikedHumor.com - Come and spike your fun. [windows media]

A message from the senior management

Irish Digital Clock

[Ed: it's been around for a while, 2001!, but it's been brought to my attention again]

Every now and again there comes a graphic so good the fresh concept blows you away.
The University of Dublin Science students have finally finished the digital clock they have been working on for 4 years.
Go to this site to see the results:
http://www.yugop.com/ver3/stuff/03/fla.html
This is a real clock, and it's pretty cool.

Scam - Please read this, its important

WARNING... SCAM

Generally, I hate the warnings that get sent around, but I have to admit that this one is important.

Please protect everyone you know by sending this warning to your Mates, colleagues and loved ones!!

If a man comes to your front door and says he is conducting a survey
and asks you to show him your bum, do NOT show him your bum. This is a scam! He only wants to see your bum. I wish I'd got this yesterday. I feel so stupid and cheap.

For car lovers out there

Websites

People spend a lot of time thinking up their children's names. It's just a pity they don't always think as hard about their domain names.

Firstly there is Who Represents?, a database for agencies to the rich and famous:
http://www.whorepresents.com

Second is the Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views:
http://www.expertsexchange.com

Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island:
http://www.penisland.net

Need a therapist? Try:
http://www.therapistfinder.com

And there is an Italian Power company:
http://www.powergenitalia.com

Finally we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:
http://www.molestationnursery.com

Nutrition and Health

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

FACTS

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.
3. Africans drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.
4. Italians drink large amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.
5. Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

eBay delivers "what do I want to get rid of this week?" in it's usual style....

eBay: DKNY Men's Leather Pants I Unfortunately Own (item 8335653541 end time Sep-23-05 12:50:38 PDT)

How to use the Cone of Silence

http://media.putfile.com/GetSmartPromo-HowtousetheConeofSilence

How to make stargazing more fun!

Play join the dots in the night sky...

Play time!

Tanks! [flash]

The dodgy stuff that gets on TV these days...

Catchphrase Blooper [windows media]

That water's not so deep!

Compfused.com - Not So Deep [windows media]

When reality meets fiction...

Wicked Witch of the West(?)

A Geeks beer cooler...

For geeks, there's only one way to keep your beer cool...

LotR meets crazy IRC speak...

Not 4 noobies

World of Fellowship of the Ringcraft

Obligatory LEGO link of the week

Get your LEGO Delorean here!

TradeMe are getting slack!

Time machine for sale - TradeMe.co.nz - New Zealand

[Geek note: it's an old Compaq iPaq, with extras...]

When God went missing...

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.Eventually on the seventh day Michael the Arch Angel found him, resting.He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards throughthe clouds."Look Michael, look what I've made." said God.Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?""It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call itEarth and it's going to be a great place of balance.""Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, NorthAmerica will be a place of great of opportunity and wealth while SouthAmerica is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spotand Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of whitepeople and over there is a continent of black people."God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremelyhot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a small land massand said, "What's that one?""Ah," said God. "That's New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth. Thereare beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and hills. The people from New Zealandare going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to befound traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working andhigh-achieving and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats andcarriers of peace."Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What aboutbalance, God? You said there would be BALANCE!"God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the wankers I'm putting next tothem. I call them 'Australians'".

The worst joke ever.......

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.

He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

(Scroll down)....................














Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck"

this explains everything...

Thanks to the wonders of Google Video...

I've put my girls on the Internet...

Ngaire Interviews Amber and Tamsin 27/09/2005 - Google Video [flash video]

OK, shameless plug...

80% off many Auckland attractions!

Sorry, only dorklanders need apply...
Tourism Auckland

Finally a male blonde joke!

Never interrupt little Johnny

Model for a healthy lifestyle ...

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer?Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"

Japanese Knickers

I think I may have seen it all now... What you see below are not see-thru skirts.. They are actually prints on the skirts to make it look as if the knickers are visible and these are the current rage in Japan.
[I smell a hoax...]

For Sale

DISPLAY CABINET
The most elegant and functional display cabinet on the market. Features fine timber details & 4 leadlight options. With 4 side access doors there is maximum frontal display. Adjustable shelves are extra deep to accommodate large items. Halogen down lights, mirror back and glass shelves provide max illumination of your collectables from top to bottom. To give indication of size - previously held Ashes, Rugby World Cup, TriNations, Davis Cup, Bledisloe Cup.

All now overseas.
To make an offer call R Ponting or G Gregan at 1800-LOST-THE-LOT

More Hoffanisims...

David [still!] seems to be taking the Internet by storm...

Would you marry again?

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not- don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (With a hurtful look on her face)
HUSBAND: (makes loud groan)
WIFE: "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you play golf with her?"
HUSBAND: "I guess so."
WIFE: "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left handed."

The Modern Version of the Birds and Bees

Little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to accept a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: You've Got Male!

Funny pics

We've got a new car!

Our old Maxima (1990 with 200,000Kms on the clock) finally decided to cost more in repairs than in trade-in. So we've patched it up and traded it in...

On a shiny new'ish (1996 with 68,000Kms) Toyota Ipsum. 7 seater. It's kinda midway between a stationwagon and a people mover (e.g. Toyota Previa). Fresh from Japan... so it's got a nice new reg-o (CZE91).

Visual Puns

Worth1000.com does it again...
Visual Puns 2

Ooooooo it's got lasers!

Robotic-vacuum maker, BU team up on antisniper device - The Boston Globe

Tangram game

tangram game [Flash]

Audi A8 ... Its SILVER !!

AUDI A8 in SILVER made for the sheikh of Dubai.
IT IS NOT SILVER COLOUR, IT IS SILVER!!!!!
IF THE OIL PRICES KEEP GOING AT THIS RATE, WE WILL SEE A GOLD AUDI SOON

why they never got the orders at New Orleans

Even my 2.5 year old daughter knows which way round the phone goes...

Hoff-mainia...

Neil's Rip-Hoffs

Accountant bashing

Comprehending Accountants - Take One
Two accountancy students were walking across campus when one said,"Where did you get such a great bike?" The second accountant replied,"Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when abeautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground,took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The firstaccountant nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probablywouldn't fit."

Comprehending Accountants - Take Two
An architect, an artist and an accountant were discussing whether itwas better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architectsaid he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for anenduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with hismistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. Theaccountant said, "I like both." "Both?" The accountant replied "Yeah. Ifyou have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spendingtime with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get somework done."

Comprehending Accountants - Take Three
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass ishalf empty. To the accountant, the glass is twice as big as it needs tobe.

Comprehending Accountants - Take Four
An Accountant and His FrogAn accountant was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to himand said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". Hebent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spokeup again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautifulprincess, I will stay with you for one week". The accountant took thefrog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. Thefrog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess,I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the accountant tookthe frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally,the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautifulprincess, that I'll stay with you and do anything you want. Why won'tyou kiss me?" The accountant said, "Look I'm an accountant. I don't havetime for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

Comprehending Accountants - Take Five
A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position ofDivisional Manager. He devised a simple test to select the mostsuitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question,"What is two and two"?
The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "twenty-two."Thesecond applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a calculator and showedthe answer to be between 3.999999 and 4.000001. The next person was alawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v. Commr of Stamp Duties(Qld), two and two was proven to be four. The last applicant was anaccountant. The business man asked him, "How much is two and two?" Theaccountant got up from his chair, went over to the door, closed it thencame back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a lowvoice, "How much do you want it to be?" He got the job.

What's the definition of an accountant?Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don'tunderstand.

What's the definition of a good tax accountant?Someone who has a loophole named after him.

What's an extroverted accountant?One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of hisown.

What's an auditor?Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

Why did the auditor cross the road?Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

How do you drive an accountant completely insane?Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a roadmap thewrong way.

What's the most wicked thing a group of young accountants can do?Go into town and gang-audit someone.

What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?Depreciation.

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see hisdoctor."Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night.""Have you tried counting sheep?""That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hourstrying to find it."

Around the World in 80 Days meets Ewan McGregor and motorbikes....

Saw an episode of this on telly late one night... It's actually very good, they were treking through Mongolia. It was a hoot. Breaking the frame on one bike, then loosing the ABS on it when they tried to weld it back together...

::..:. Long Way Round .:..::

The Real Womans Way

Delia's Way - v - The Real Woman's Way

Delia's Way
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
The Real Woman's Way
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for God's sake. You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

Delia's Way
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
The Real Woman's Way
Buy Smash and keep it in the cupboard for up to a year.

Delia's Way
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
The Real Woman's Way
Tesco's sell cakes. They even do decorated versions.

Delia's Way
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a potato slice.
The Real Woman's Way
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's tough sh*t. Please recite with me the Real Woman's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."

Delia's Way
Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
The Real Woman's Way
It could keep forever. Who eats it?

Delia's Way
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield beautiful glossy finish.
The Real Woman's Way
Sainsbury's frozen pie directions do not include brushing any egg white over the crust.

Delia's Way
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
The Real Woman's Way
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in 8 ounces of vodka. Drink the vodka. You might still have the headache, but who gives a sh*t?

Delia's Way
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
The Real Woman's Way
Why do I have a man?

And finally the most important tip ...

Delia's Way
Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
The Real Woman's Way
Leftover wine???? HELLO!!!!!

Programming Language Inventor or Serial Killer?

Can you tell the difference?

malevole - Programming Language Inventor or Serial Killer? [flash]

Wasps....:)

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local high street.
As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP -Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now"
Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop.
"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."
"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."
The world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on the earphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognised none of those."
"I'm sorry Sir", says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."
The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones.
Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it", he says, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"
"I'm terribly sorry, Sir" says the young man, "perhaps if you'd like to step into the booth again, you could have 5 more minutes."
Sighing, the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth. Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly agitated.
"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I have recognised none of the wasps on this LP."
"I really am terribly sorry", says the young assistant,


"I've just realised I was playing you the bee side."

For pet-lovers/owners

A LETTER TO YOUR PETS Dear Beloved Pets:
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort.
Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, bark, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered.
Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To return the kindness of your obedience, my dear pets, I have posted the following on our front door so visitors to our home know what the rules are here:
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted children who are short, hairy and walk on all fours. Although they don't speak clearly, they communicate extremely well, especially my cats.
5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called (this does not apply to cats), never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college. Also, if they get pregnant, you can sell the children!

Some crafty camera work...

Compfused.com - Magazine Faces