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The Usual Friday Crud

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Tuesday, 4 October 2005

Accountant bashing

Comprehending Accountants - Take One
Two accountancy students were walking across campus when one said,"Where did you get such a great bike?" The second accountant replied,"Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when abeautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground,took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The firstaccountant nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probablywouldn't fit."

Comprehending Accountants - Take Two
An architect, an artist and an accountant were discussing whether itwas better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architectsaid he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for anenduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with hismistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. Theaccountant said, "I like both." "Both?" The accountant replied "Yeah. Ifyou have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spendingtime with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get somework done."

Comprehending Accountants - Take Three
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass ishalf empty. To the accountant, the glass is twice as big as it needs tobe.

Comprehending Accountants - Take Four
An Accountant and His FrogAn accountant was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to himand said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". Hebent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spokeup again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautifulprincess, I will stay with you for one week". The accountant took thefrog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. Thefrog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess,I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the accountant tookthe frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally,the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautifulprincess, that I'll stay with you and do anything you want. Why won'tyou kiss me?" The accountant said, "Look I'm an accountant. I don't havetime for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

Comprehending Accountants - Take Five
A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position ofDivisional Manager. He devised a simple test to select the mostsuitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question,"What is two and two"?
The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "twenty-two."Thesecond applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a calculator and showedthe answer to be between 3.999999 and 4.000001. The next person was alawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v. Commr of Stamp Duties(Qld), two and two was proven to be four. The last applicant was anaccountant. The business man asked him, "How much is two and two?" Theaccountant got up from his chair, went over to the door, closed it thencame back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a lowvoice, "How much do you want it to be?" He got the job.

What's the definition of an accountant?Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don'tunderstand.

What's the definition of a good tax accountant?Someone who has a loophole named after him.

What's an extroverted accountant?One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of hisown.

What's an auditor?Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

Why did the auditor cross the road?Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

How do you drive an accountant completely insane?Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a roadmap thewrong way.

What's the most wicked thing a group of young accountants can do?Go into town and gang-audit someone.

What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?Depreciation.

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see hisdoctor."Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night.""Have you tried counting sheep?""That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hourstrying to find it."


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