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The Usual Friday Crud

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Wednesday, 20 July 2005

Olympics. East London stylee innit.

Olympic Games 2012

As you may know, London (Stratford) will be hosting the Olympic Games in

2012. What you may not know, is that many of the famous events which go
to
make up this spectacular event, are to be especially altered for 2012.

A copy of these changes has been leaked, and is reproduced below.

OPENING CEREMONY
The flame will be ignited by a petrol thrown by a native of the area,
in the traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame will be
contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof of the
stadium.

THE EVENTS
In previous Olympic Games, East London's competitors have not been
particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the
events
have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven (one
in
each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be
released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

110 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden
fences,
walls etc)

HAMMER
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use

(claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most
physical damage within three attempts.

FENCING
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in
5
minutes.

SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first
target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors
will
aim at a post office clerk bank teller or securicor style wages delivery

man. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a
choice
of either a Browning automatic handgun or Sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.

BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and
will
take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of
lager
while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home.
The
bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and
take an
expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away

from home. All against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT
As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the
Australian
Rugby team, who will witness the theft.

MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joy-riding
and
arson.

SWIMMING EVENTS
All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one
is
found that can support human life, swimming events will be organised,
please
note that the Synchronised Swimming even for this year will comprise of
dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool, the
specific musical support to this event will be provided by "The Verve".

THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided.

MEN'S 50km WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot
guarantee
the safety of anyone walking the streets of East London, especially
anyone
that appears to be mincing ...

THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the
Stratford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised
rock
throwing, and music by the Ilford community choir. The flame will be
extinguished by police riot water cannon following inevitable pitch
invasion by a confused West Ham organised hooliganism club. The stadium
itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it
and
remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.

Late News:
Apparently Liverpool were set to put in a bid very similar to the above
but
with the Pentathlon modified to include: Killing a spouse, digging a
hole,
burying the body, laying a patio and the strangely named 'Calm Down'
contest.

To guarantee the entry of any Mancunian athletes at all, Drugs testing
has
been waived this year.

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