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The Usual Friday Crud

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Wednesday, 28 June 2006

JAFA Dolls - guaranteed to offend someone

Remuera Barbie: This modern day princess homemaker Barbie is available with a Mercedes 4WD SUV, a Prada handbag and matching Nike Yoga ensemble. She has a masters degree and double-majored, but has the luxury of being a stay-at-home mom with Ken's generous salary. Comes with a Prozac prescription and Botox, Starbucks mug and traffic-jamming Blackberry internet/cell phone device sold separately. Husband Ken is into fishing, golfing and is often "working late". Available at all Newmarket-area Starbucks retailers.

North Shore Barbie: This Barbie is only sold at Smith & Caughey. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, your choice of a BMW convertible or Hummer and a long-haired foreign lap dog named "Honey". Also available is her cookie-cutter development dream house. Available with or without tummy tuck, facelift and breast augmentation. Workaholic, cheating husband, Ken, comes with a Porsche.

Otara Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, switchblade, '78 Holden Ute with dark tinted windows and a meth lab kit. This model is available only after dark and can only be purchased with cash- preferably small bills, unless you're a cop, then we don't know what you're talking about. Boyfriend Ken is in jail. Available at participating pawn shops.

Henderson Barbie: This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie comes with a pair of high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of Massey Barbie's trailer. Her ensemble includess low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, strawberry lip gloss and a see-through halter top. Purchase her Holden Ute Convertible separately and get Fly Buys points absolutely free. Boyfriend Ken is in treatment. Available at any Warehouse Store. Massey Barbie sold separately.

Massey Barbie: This pale model comes dressed in her own Levi jeans 2 Sizes too small, "It's All About Me" T- shirt and a Guns and Roses tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six pack of Lucky and comes with Metallica CD's. She can spit over a distance of 2 metres and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Also available is the gold-toned cubic zirconium ring that Ken gave her after their last big fight. Comes with Barbie's Dream Double Wide Trailer. Available at K-Mart.

Onehunga Barbie: Pregnant at purchase, this Barbie comes with a stroller and bus pass. Also included is a 2 litre of Pepsi and a DPB cheque. Construction worker Ken and his '82 Ford pickup are optional. Available at The Warehouse.

Great Barrier Barbie: This Barbie is made out of recycled plastic and tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no make-up and Birkenstocks with white socks. She does not have, want, or need, a Ken doll. If you purchase the optional Subaru wagon, you will receive a free rainbow flag sticker. Available at the Ferry terminal.

Ponsonby Barbie: This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or removing snap on parts. Walks to work and hangs out at SPQR. Likes to "experiment", but will never commit. This model is being phased out.

[Thanks Con]

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