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4:02 pm
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posted by Craig Humphrey at
3:54 pm
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posted by Craig Humphrey at
3:48 pm
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posted by Craig Humphrey at
3:18 pm
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posted by Craig Humphrey at
2:59 pm
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posted by Craig Humphrey at
2:57 pm
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No, not Lana! Ridgey and Macas I can understand...posted by Craig Humphrey at
8:56 am
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posted by Craig Humphrey at
3:03 pm
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posted by Craig Humphrey at
3:01 pm
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posted by Craig Humphrey at
2:20 pm
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posted by Craig Humphrey at
2:11 pm
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posted by Craig Humphrey at
11:57 am
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I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been
dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me, it was her beautiful
younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very
tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend
down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view.
It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone
else.
One day "little" sister called and asked me to go over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to
me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got
married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total
shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my
bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down
the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a
beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed
straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all
clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said,
"We are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't
ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to our family!!!"
And the moral of this story is : Always keep your condoms in your car.
posted by Craig Humphrey at
9:20 am
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posted by Craig Humphrey at
8:22 pm
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Olympic Games 2012
As you may know, London (Stratford) will be hosting the Olympic Games in
2012. What you may not know, is that many of the famous events which go
to
make up this spectacular event, are to be especially altered for 2012.
A copy of these changes has been leaked, and is reproduced below.
OPENING CEREMONY
The flame will be ignited by a petrol thrown by a native of the area,
in the traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame will be
contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof of the
stadium.
THE EVENTS
In previous Olympic Games, East London's competitors have not been
particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the
events
have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.
100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven (one
in
each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be
released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.
110 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden
fences,
walls etc)
HAMMER
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use
(claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most
physical damage within three attempts.
FENCING
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in
5
minutes.
SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first
target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors
will
aim at a post office clerk bank teller or securicor style wages delivery
man. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a
choice
of either a Browning automatic handgun or Sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.
BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and
will
take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of
lager
while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home.
The
bout will then commence.
CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and
take an
expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away
from home. All against the clock.
CYCLING PURSUIT
As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the
Australian
Rugby team, who will witness the theft.
MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joy-riding
and
arson.
SWIMMING EVENTS
All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one
is
found that can support human life, swimming events will be organised,
please
note that the Synchronised Swimming even for this year will comprise of
dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool, the
specific musical support to this event will be provided by "The Verve".
THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided.
MEN'S 50km WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot
guarantee
the safety of anyone walking the streets of East London, especially
anyone
that appears to be mincing ...
THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the
Stratford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised
rock
throwing, and music by the Ilford community choir. The flame will be
extinguished by police riot water cannon following inevitable pitch
invasion by a confused West Ham organised hooliganism club. The stadium
itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it
and
remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.
Late News:
Apparently Liverpool were set to put in a bid very similar to the above
but
with the Pentathlon modified to include: Killing a spouse, digging a
hole,
burying the body, laying a patio and the strangely named 'Calm Down'
contest.
To guarantee the entry of any Mancunian athletes at all, Drugs testing
has
been waived this year.
posted by Craig Humphrey at
5:06 pm
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Today at 11 o'clock there will be a total eclipse of the
sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for
two minutes. As this is something that cannot be seen every
day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse
in the parking lot. Staff should meet in the lot at ten to
eleven, when I will deliver a short speech introducing the
eclipse, and giving some background information. Safety
goggles will be made available at a small cost.
THEN MEMO FROM MANAGER TO DEPARTMENT HEADS
Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car
park. This will be followed by a total eclipse of the sun,
which will appear for two minutes. For a moderate cost,
this will be made safe with goggles. The CEO will deliver a
short speech beforehand to give us all some information.
This is not something that can be seen every day.
FOLLOWED BY MEMO FROM DEPARTMENT HEADS TO FLOOR MANAGER
The CEO will today deliver a short speech to make the sun
disappear for two minutes in the form of an eclipse. This
is something that cannot be seen every day, so staff will
meet in the car park at ten or eleven. This will be safe,
if you pay a moderate cost.
AND MEMO FROM FLOOR MANAGER TO SUPERVISOR
Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the
CEO will eclipse the sun for two minutes. This doesn't
happen every day. It will be safe, and as usual it will
cost you.
FINALLY MEMO FROM SUPERVISOR TO STAFF
Some staff will go to the car park today to see the CEO
disappear. It is a pity this doesn't happen everyday.
posted by Craig Humphrey at
10:37 am
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From today's paper:-
Jacques Chirac has officially raised the French terror alert level from
"Run" to "Hide". There are only two higher levels in France -
"Surrender" and "Collaborate".
The rise was prompted by a fire that destroyed France's white flag
factory - crippling their military capability.
posted by Craig Humphrey at
8:36 am
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posted by Craig Humphrey at
2:51 pm
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posted by Craig Humphrey at
9:26 am
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A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the
doctors.
"Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little paper bag.
"Hmm, you look OK to me," said the Doctor, "but I'll do a blood test
and see what that shows, come back and see me in a couple of days."
The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results.
"What's wrong with me?" asked the little paper bag.
I'm afraid you are HIV positive!" said the doctor.
"No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!" said the little paper
bag.
"Have you been having unprotected s*x?" asked the doctor.
"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug
users?"
asked the doctor.
"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood
transfusion?" queried the doctor.
"NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Well", said the doctor, "are you in a homosexual relationship?"
"NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just a little paper
bag.
"Then there can be only one explanation." said the doctor
this is good - wait for it .... ..... .... ....
"Your mother must have been a carrier"
posted by Craig Humphrey at
9:08 am
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HELPFUL HINTS
posted by Craig Humphrey at
12:42 pm
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posted by Craig Humphrey at
9:05 am
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posted by Craig Humphrey at
9:02 am
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Mujibar was trying to get into New Zealand legally through Immigration.
The Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except there
is one more test. Unless you pass it you cannot enter New Zealand."
Mujibar said, "I am ready."
The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and
Green."
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am
ready."
The Officer said, "Go ahead."
Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up,
and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"
Mujibar now lives in a neighbourhood near you, and works at a Telecom
help desk.
"Committed to helping out in our community."
posted by Craig Humphrey at
5:03 pm
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The Lion's selection process?posted by Craig Humphrey at
9:03 am
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Hope you can tell from crud camera on my PDA/Cellphone...
--
Sent from Craig's Harrier PDA/Cellphone
[Edit] Yay, inline images work... just not in email...
posted by Craig Humphrey at
5:44 pm
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OK, so the Lions are touring New Zealand and getting a right pasting...
Tonight they play the local Auckland team and the NZ Herald have put some handy hints online:
Tips for Auckland residents
My reaction:
posted by Craig Humphrey at
10:55 am
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posted by Craig Humphrey at
5:00 pm
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My usual blog is serious, this one, is not...
May contain ADULT content!
Hi, I'm Craig, I work for Chapman Tripp, a large New Zealand Law firm. I live and work in Auckland and this blog is just to pick out some of the high/lowlights of my days working for lawyers, dealing with ISPs/telco's and trying to write code [yup, sometimes I manage to do this]. This blog in no way reflects the views of my employer or anyone else for that matter.
